How Your Mind Can Play Tricks on You

At least mine does—all the time

For almost nine years I have dutifully gone to see my oncologist every three months to assess my prostate cancer condition. And I always experience a little dread (maybe my PSA has gone hog wild—hasn’t happened so far) but there is also that glimmer of hope that it has gone to zero and I’ll live happily ever after (of course that hasn’t happened either).

The PSA isn’t even all that accurate, but for those of us with ongoing prostate cancer, it’s the best measure we currently have. The week before the oncologist appointment there are blood tests and sometimes other tests as well. No problem. It’s finding out the results that’s brings on the anxiety. In my case, my blood pressure spikes every time.

Worse yet, many of us guys (including me) probably put too much stock in the results of those tests—an increase in PSA is discouraging and a decrease is encouraging. That makes sense except for the times it’s not logical. E.g. if a PSA score goes from 5.1 to 5.5 (not even statistically significant) it feels like bad news. If the PSA goes from 91 to 89 (again, not statistically significant) there is a feeling of new hope. So the numbers don’t seem to be as important as whether they trend ever so slightly up or down.

My PSA scores have had ups and downs like a mini roller coaster over the years. Except for a brief time after surgery and radiation (when it was nearly zero) it has fluctuated from two to four to three to five and back and forth depending on the current treatment and how long I’ve been on it. No treatment has helped for more than a year or two. Some new medications help immediately and some don’t help at all. There are many, many meds yet to try so this situation is likely to go on and on and on...

I don’t think about these things very often and most of the guys I know who are in my condition (just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in) say the same thing. 99% of the time I’m positive or oblivious, and then there’s that 1% of the time when I fall prey to mind tricks, emotional reactions, and the failing logic of ‘what if’. But this won’t be a problem for another three months, so let life go on.

axman