A Leged in My Own Mind

…how do I want to be remembered - is there even a choice?

When I was a kid growing up way out in the country, I knew a lot of older men who seemed ancient to me at the time – wrinkled, bald, fat, and sometimes crippled. I was told these guys were war heroes, ex-major league ballplayers, and bi-plane pilots. In my adolescent mind this wasn’t possible. Old duffers were always old duffers; they couldn’t possibly have been young and strong and brave in some past life.

Now I’m older than they were when I knew them. And even though I fit the description from above (wrinkled, fat, bald, and gimpy) I still remember the time when I was young and strong and adventurous. But how do my grandkids (and maybe great-grandkids) see me? Could they even imagine what I was like 25 or 40 or 60 years ago? Probably not.

Will they even know what it means to work your way through college? Would they believe I actually ran all those marathons and ultra marathons? And how could I have survived without HD TV, computers, cell phones, iPods, and especially wifi?

I guess the solution is: don’t worry about it, be happy. Keep doing what I do now. And accept the fact that I will be remembered as a strange old man and not the Greek God I would have like to have been in my wild, impetuous youth. My youngest grandchild was just born - what will he think of his old grandma and grandpa? Don't ask...


axman

Afraid of Dying?

…just about everybody is if they’re being honest and paying attention

Most of my life I never gave a second thought to death or dying unless somebody I knew died. That changed slightly the day I was diagnosed with cancer. Even then it was more strange than frightening. In recent years several close friends have died from long-term diseases including a variety of cancers. I was impressed at how calm, accepting, and unafraid they were.


In my experience, there seems to be a progression of views and beliefs in life.

At 20 I assumed I would live forever and never lose any kind of functioning. For a while that seemed to be the case.


At 50 I felt strong and still indestructible – even though I remember that I considered my parents old when THEY were 50.


At 70 (almost) I have come to accept mortality (sort of). But there is a lot I still want to do. My bucket list is long. I have slowed down some (OK, more than some) and there are more aches and pains than a few years ago. My prostate cancer is under control, for now, and my arthritis and other aches and pains are mainly annoyances.


My mind (this, of course, may not seem to be true to anyone who knows me) seems to be OK most of the time – if you don’t count forgetting lots of things.

I am less patient with long waits for medical appointments, slow payment of insurance claims, rudeness from people who SHOULD be helping me, and people assuming I am stupid just because I’m old and gray. I’ve learned to say things like, “Let me talk to your supervisor”, and “No, that’s NOT OK”!

So I’m just going to get on with it (it being living the way I want) and see what happens.


Axman

Excess Thinking May be Hazardous

…to Your Mental Health; so most of us should not be at risk

It’s good to be busy. That doesn’t necessarily mean accomplishing anything; just being on the move, reading, puttering; something other that just staring at the wall or ceiling or TV.


My wife and I are blessed with lots to do (she feels more blessed than I do, however). There’s always something to fix or change around the house, we go camping, traveling, visiting kids and grandkids, and jeeping - we feel pretty good most of the time. And we find that we don’t have time to worry too much – more than we’d like, but it’s manageable.

We’ve noticed that many, but not all, our geriatric contemporaries agree with us. When we suggest activities or invite to some of them to go someplace we often get answers like:

“Camping? Nah; too dirty and dusty and we'd probably get bitten or stung. You go and tell us about it later. I think we’ll just take it easy at home.”

“Travel outside the U.S? Nah, the plane might crash, we could get a disease, the food is probably tainted, and those foreign people over there talk funny! I think we’ll watch a special on the National Geographic channel instead.”

“Go out to Dinner? I think not. Why not just have a pizza delivered and not have to bother with dressing up and getting through all that traffic. Why leave the comfort of home if you don’t have to?”

Thinking about what to do (more likely what not do), how many aches and pains you have, the next horrible diagnosis, or the state of the economy might be useful, but if all you do is think and worry and procrastinate… that’s probably not so healthy.

axman

It’s Pills, Pills, Pills…

That’ll Cure Our Ills

I don’t see myself as a pill popper, but when I count up all the pills I take each day it appears that I am. I’m not alone! Pills are supposed to keep us healthy, prevent disease, and keep us alive when all else fails. So why do YOU take pills?

To numb our pains we all take pills.

For the upset from pain pills – more pills.

To manage cancer we take bunches of pills.

To manage the cancer pills we still take pills.

Of course if you can’t sleep – it’s pills.

Then to wake up and be alert we need pills.

If we’re lucky we get generic pills.

If not we swallow Name Brand pills.

Sometimes there’s a chance to get experimental pills.

Then there are ‘make water’ pills.

And ‘stop making water’ pills.

To start your heart you may need pills.

And to slow it down, take different pills.

After eating we take ‘full stomach’ pills.

Before eating it’s the ‘empty stomach’ pills.

So all our ills are treated with pills.

Or maybe those ills are caused by pills.

I’d write more but it’s time to take my pills.

axman

The Benefits of Winter Sun

…if you can find some

One of the many benefits of retirement is the opportunity to choose my own climate of residence. Each winter we try to spend a month or two in a place that’s warmer and dryer than western Oregon. So far - so good.

Spring, Summer, and Fall are tolerable most anywhere but Winter is a season of a different color. Fog, rain, ice, clouds, and short days are not high on my pleasure meter.

So, we try to spend a month or two in a warmer climate each winter – Arizona most of the time. It’s not perfect – nights are cold and the wind blows a bit – but overall 70 degree days and lots of clear skies tip the scales for me.

And don’t forget the health benefits of sunshine and vitamin D and such. I have to admit, however, that the major benefit is mental! Somehow waking up to sunshine, daily walks without rain, sitting in the sun, and picnics in January improve my outlook. From my wife’s point of view that means I’m less grumpy and that improves her mental outlook. That’s a two-fer.

axman

Bring on Those Magical Cures!

When prostate cancer keeps coming back…

Logic, science, medical expertise, and common sense be damned; there comes a time when all that remains is faith, dumb luck, or magic.

So, we try the mud baths, salt water enemas, massive doses of Vitamin C or B, 20 cups of green tea each day, and even those hallucinatory mushrooms. And if it seems to work – even a little – we consider it a miracle.

When many types of cancer (such as prostate) come back after a shot or two at a cure, the rest of your time is spent being a ‘survivor’. “I’m still surviving; still alive.” That survival might be a few months or many years or somewhere in between.

If you want to know more about ‘miracle cures’ just go online. Google ‘non traditional cancer cures’ or ‘curing your own cancer’ or just ‘cancer cures’ and you’ll find hundreds of individual anecdotal miracles. “How Potato Peels Purified my Prostate” or “How Bungee Jumping Cured My Cancer.” Are any of these stories true? Is there any scientific evidence? Probably. Probably not. Maybe. Nobody knows. Everybody’s cancer is different from every body else’s.

Would I try a magical mystery cure? If the time and circumstances were right – yeah, probably.

Besides, I believe in magic.

axman

Prostate Cancer don’t get NO Respect

Sick Old Men Unite!

There are numerous runs, walks, auctions, pledge drives, dinners, and T shirt sales to support research and treatment for breast cancer. That’s as it should be, of course.

But where are the public relations people and events when it comes to prostate cancer? What’s the matter with all you guys with prostate cancer? Are you shy, indifferent, or embarrassed? Do you truly believe that real men DON’T (or shouldn’t) get prostate cancer? Yes they do (read Real Men Get Prostate Cancer Too – http://www.axmaker.com/ and convince yourself)! Big hairy bikers, iron pumpers, CEOs, vegans, pilots, bowlers, marathon runners, accountants, and even lawyers (as if anybody cares) do get prostate cancer.

One reason for prostate cancer’s seeming lack of public popularity is almost certainly men’s reluctance to discuss anything personal - and another reason may be that your prostate doesn’t show (do you know where your prostate is tonight?). Whether or not you have a prostate doesn’t do much to change your appearance (at least on the outside).

So speak up, educate people, and do your part to make sure that research continues to look for better treatments and even a cure!
axman

I Don’t Want to Live Forever…

…but just a little longer would be nice

Every part of our bodies wears out, short circuits, or ceases to function sooner or later. It doesn’t happen at the same rate for everybody. You know people who look and act years younger than their biological age – and you know some relatively young people who act old and decrepit. Of course we all see ourselves as looking younger than our real age…

Aging sneaks up on you. You’re joints get stiffer in the morning, you get a cramp after your walk, there’s a new pain in your shoulder, and don’t forget the arthritis in your hands. Then there is the need for stronger and thicker glasses every couple of years, a hearing aid (mostly its that others mumble more), and trying to save those few remaining teeth.

Your heart, your strongest muscle, seldom lasts more than a century or so, livers do better without too much alcohol (a little wine might even be beneficial I tell myself), and your lungs don’t much like smoke. And who knows when you might get hit by a bus!

We cope by making small adjustments, then larger ones; from there it's relying on medications, and often more serious treatments like surgery, chemotherapy, or getting new parts. As a last resort we look for miracle cures (as if surviving this long hasn’t been a miracle) – it all seems to be part of the plan.

axman

The Most Unpleasant Side Effects

…Still Slightly Better Than Being Dead

I routinely complain about the side effects from my surgery, radiation, and medications. But the fact is I am more than willing to endure the fatigue, weight gain, strange growths, hot flashes, and pain – as long as I can stay vertical or at least above ground. Surviving trumps lots of other stuff; no matter what others may tell you.

Time, research, and improved medications are resulting in fewer side effects – or so I’m told by highly educated medical practitioners. At the present time I’m still alive and more or less able to lead a normal life. Normal for an old duffer anyway... And I can use my current side effects as an excuse to avoid working in the garden and cleaning out the gutters (please don’t tell my wife).

I’m betting that all my elderly friends who bemoan the strange side effects they’re coping with wouldn’t trade those side effects for a pine box – just yet. Senior life, living with incurable diseases, and normal wear and tear requires choices and compromises – and a little hell-raising if you’re lucky. I am.

axman

A Morbid Curiosity with the Latest Cancer Research

…as if it made any difference

I subscribe to several email and Blog programs that send daily updates on all sorts of cancer research – and I read them all. Then there are the medical journal reports, Cancer Center articles, and anecdotal information. Reading all this stuff probably doesn’t make me even a little bit healthier. Even if there is a miracle cure in there someplace I’d probably get hopelessly confused by the medical gobbledygook.

All the headlines accentuate the positive: Mice with Prostate Cancer Treated with XTZ666 Live 27% Longer than Control Group, or New Chemo Cocktail Shows Promise, or Exploitation Drugs Ltd to Unveil Revolutionary Prostate Drug! As good as these headlines sound there isn’t any real information in there.

If I had not read any of those articles or studies nothing in my life would be much different – except for knowing a lot more about cancer ridden mice. I wonder if someone notifies the next-of-kin mouse.

So should we all read everything we can find – fact or fiction – about our particular disease? Will it help? Nobody knows.

I will likely continue my obsessive search for cancer information – I guess it’s in my nature. You, on the other hand, may be emotionally healthier than I am and able to resist the urge.

axman